Every home has its own scent.
And, to me, that's what differentiates it.
It's the identity of every home.
Ever since I was young, I have noticed different scents.
When I say hi to someone and notice that same scent every day.
In their clothes, their stuff. Never does this smell fade.
And I always wondered if others noticed my scent. And if yes, what was it like to them?
Until today, this topic is like a hobby of mine.
I look for the scent of everyone I get close to. It's like it tells me what this person and their home is like.
Why does every session have to start with a question about my family?
Because the past always impacts the present.
And you need to understand how your past is still affecting your life today,
especially in the subconscious ways.
Okay. I understand and agree with you.
But I feel like it's a stupid question.
Why?
Because it's a lot more complicated than that.
Neither you nor I, nor anyone, can answer that question in one sitting.
We've still got a lot of sessions. Or are you planning on bailing?
No.
How can I explain to you relationships over 24 years old?
It's never going to be just good or just bad.
And if I'm going to, I'm going to explain what it's like now.
And "now" has nothing to do with the past that's affecting the present.
And, if I tried to tell you about the past, or how these relationships were like in the past,
I will definitely forget some things.
Or, there will be things that I maybe look at differently now, compared to how I saw them before.
Because of the age difference, and there's also..
There are a lot of things that maybe..
..are affecting me now that didn't affect me at all before.
Or the other way around, affected me before and isn't affecting me now, so there's no point to even mention them.
I don't know. I'll never be able to give you the full picture.
And if I tell you anything, it'll only be from my perspective, and that's also..
not..
..very fair to them.
I don't know, I feel like it's a very naive question.
Important, but naive.
Ever since I was born, he has it.
And I found out later, that he had before he even got married to my mom.
It's like a new haircut after some time.
As time passes, you don't notice that it's getting longer.
Although, it is getting longer, naturally.
But after some time passes, if you compare its length to a picture, taken when you first cut it, the difference is evident.
That's exactly how it's like living with a chronic disease.
The conditions keep changing, significantly.
But we don't notice the progression, until we remember what it was like 10 years ago.
The only thing that we notice are the situations that happen along the way to remind us.
Just like that moment, when you can finally tie your hair up after the haircut.
- I used to be a National Champion in Billiards. - I know.
(stuttering) And I.. in the Ramadan Tournaments.. for football.. I used to be the best player.
- (stuttering) in the Ramadan Tournaments, I got the cup for best player. - yeah?
I was the goal keeper.
But I was great.
It was really difficult for someone to score.
yeah?
I'd fly around and stuff, all the time.
Yeah.
Al Ahly lost 5-0.
- Al Ahly? - yeah.
- Lost 5-0? - yeah.
- Lost to who? - South Africa Sundowns
- Who are Sundowns? - A FC called Sundowns
Are you going to take a picture of me for the second time?
And a third, and fourth and even tenth time.
Why? (laughs)
No, stay as you are.. don't move.
Is it only one?
Amal has Mariam and Soha
Mariam is the older one and Soha is my age.
Yeah, the one that's your age is the one that I know.
She got married and she's pregnant now.
Really? And she's your age?
Yeah.
- And who is this one? - That's Soha.
- Soha? - Yeah.
- And the one before her? - Mariam.
- She's been married for awhile, around nine years. - Oh, really!
- And how many kids does she have? - One.
- That's it? - A boy. Yeah, that's all.
Not nine actually, seven years I think.
Tell me about when your parents got divorced.
I don't remember. I don't remember anything.
There are a lot of years that aren't registered in my memory completely.
Everything that I know about myself from then, I know them from my mother.
I went on Google before to figure out how someone..
There would be these many years just forgotten.
Especially years that contained such important life events.
I read about a thing called 'Repressed Memory'
where when a brain.. when something happens to a person
and the brain can't handle it, it removes it from the memory and places it in the subconscious mind.
Something like that. I don't know.
And do you want to remember?
I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like I want to know, just out of curiosity.
And other times, I feel like it could help me.
And sometimes, I fear what I might find so I just say it's better this way.
What are you afraid of?
I fear finding a reason to hate one of them.
Do you blame your mother or father for the divorce?
Or do you feel like your mother left him because of his disease?
I know that they got divorced because of his disease..
But I am sure that she didn't leave him because he's sick.
What do you mean?
Like, I mean.. 15 or 20 years ago, there wasn't the awareness
that his disease has other unseen consequences.
For example, when I grew up and read and understood things.
I began to remember things that didn't have an explanation back then, besides that he's wasn't a good person.
Then, suddenly, I'd find another explanation
And their life together wasn't great at all, nor was it happy.
On the contrary, it was miserable and they used to fight a lot.
And he used to treat her badly and disrespectfully.
And she didn't have that awareness, like I was just telling you, so..
All she knew was that she was with someone..
who wasn't making her happy, is making her miserable, and isn't treating her well. That's all.
What about with you?
No, he never..
He never treated me disrespectfully or offensively.
I don't even remember ever fighting or him even yelling at me.
No, he always loved me.
But, he..
wasn't a dad.
Like, I knew he loved me, but I..
He wasn't a dad.
I remember many other situations that made me want to hate him.
Like what?
Like, for example...
When my mom got married again, and he found out.
I was 15 years old then.
And it wasn't the nicest.. phase in my life, at all.
He'd call me around three to four times a day, for a whole month.
If not more. Because sometimes I wouldn't pick up.
He'd call me just to tell me how "your mom is a cheater."
"And your mom used to cheat on me when we were married."
"And she used to love someone else, whom she's married."
And "she was in a relationship with him."
A lot of talk like that..
and I know that she didn't do all that.
And, I know that he knows that she didn't do that.
So, like I don't understand..
And, back then, I was older than my age a bit.
But, there were things that I didn't know, or I didn't understand still.
So, to me, I was like I know...
This is not normal. This is not okay.
And no dad says these things to his daughter..
Even if they're true.
So no, I was...
No, I was devastated. I would break down every day. Every day.
Until I couldn't handle it anymore and I blocked him.
And we spent around two months..
Not talking to each other. Not visiting each other.
He couldn't reach me. I cut ties completely. That's it.
Hate for others.
Hate for oneself.
Frustration.
Disappointment.
Denial.
Anger.
Happy memories.
Sad memories.
Excuses.
Avoiding pain.
Suppressed pain.
Visible pain.
Compassion.
Resentment.
Guilt.
Will.
Stability.
Longing.
Selfishness.
Pain.
Boredom.
Seperation.
Blame.
Loneliness.
Insecurity.
Lack of trust.
Stubbornness.
Inner conflict.
Lack of forgiveness.
Searching for serenity.
Innocence.
Inner peace.
Quiet.
Warmth.
Satisfaction.
Optimism.
Assurance.
I don't know what I'm in now.
Like, inside me, there's a part..
that understands
and forgives, or feels like
there's nothing to forgive, or it's not even my place. It's not my right.
But, I understand
And I feel that I am the one who should apologize.
Forgiving myself?
But that forgiveness..
There are still things that I can't let go off.
Still things that get to me and I can't make them not.
I feel like I..
I throw the entire thing out of my mind, like nothing ever happened.
But some things come along the way and trigger everything,
and I realize that I am carrying so much weight, without even noticing.
But the film will be about you and me. Us together. Ok?
Will you show them how much you love me?
If you can show how much I love you in the film, then show it. You won't be able to.
I won't be able to? Why?
I am your father, and a father's love can't be acted.
No, we won't be acting. You don't need to act it.
Do you want something sweet, my love?
No. Thank you, Daddy.
We're going to go to Nadi El Seed (The Shooting Club).
That's great. Have fun.
Okay, my love?
Okay, Daddy.
Okay, love. Do you want anything from me?
No, thank you, love.
Okay, love. May God be with you.
And may God be with you.