A film by Rogério Vilaronga
My father, Gilberto, I have little recollection of him.
He passed
away a week before I was six years old
I was told about his death on my birthday.
What remains of who is gone
The few memories I have of him belong to a 6 years period
6 years of my childhood and that they are very loose memories
more like blots
but I have a very vivid memory of him I remember him dancing samba
It's that process of remembering this very clear
well-designed image in my memory
that led me to this profession that I have today that is ballet dancer.
Sometimes we think that our mothers are wrong with the way they educate us
but my mother was a great heroine
I would say even more than Maria Quitéria
because she alone raised 10 children and we all succeed in life
I am the daughter of Renilda Assis Menezes
who today is not physically among us anymore
but she is a person who marked me for being my mother.
One very affectionate memory that I have of my mother
is that she could not pay for the sewing of a dress of mine
a green dress with small white dots
I really loved that dress, but the time went by
the coexistence was passing and those attitudes,
a bit of estrangement, I did not have the opportunity
to tell her that I really loved this dress she made for me.
My mother passed away on June 2015
just after her birthday
My mother was a very brave
and determinate woman in what her wanted
that’s how she raised alone 7 sons.
Come here Suzana!
Suzana, Gabriel, come here Naiara. Naiara is the youngest
and has almost the same size of Raissa.
Besides those
there is one more brother who lives in Feira.
I called her and said: "Mom, I passed the vestibular!"
She yelled: "Wait I’m going to cook a cake"
When i got home
imagining that i would find a big cake
i found just one slice of the cake e asked her
"Mom, don´t you said that would cook a cake?"
She said: "I did, but i shared with the neighbors
and left this slice for you!"
So, that is the point anyway
sharing, love for other people
share you joy.
That is something my mother planted
and was one thing curious about her.
I remember my father used to join the “Son of Gandhi” group
there is a very funny history of him
if I’m not wrong it happened in the last year
he joined “Son of Ganghi” group
I went with him and there was a boy
who was son of one of the “Son of Gandhi” members
and he had promised this boy
and his father that I would marry the boy.
When we was kids and fright each other
she made us ask for forgiveness
It was not force forgiveness
it was free and we had a time to think about it
So, today even without our mother be fiscally present
we feel her alive among us
for what she taught us.
There is a history of the first time that i went
watch a soccer game, it was a BA-VI game
and I was very young, with 3 months old
and he and my uncle took me
We used to live very close to Fonte Nova Stadium between 93 and 95
He liked very much soccer
and I’m sick for BA-VI
I love Ba-Vi
I’m a fanatical fan of Vitória
and I believe that´s because of him
My Mother was a very wise person
She didn´t know how to read
but when she went to school
and was told that
I didn’t obey the teacher, she said to me:
“You are going to write 200 times: I should obey
and respect the teacher ”.
Imagine that my mother count from 1 to 200 the phase that I wrote.
Every past day
we have been realizing that she not gone
she is still here
because the education she gave us
keep a lot of her live in us.
Still today i…
I think about her...
her look when we went in her house
and she kept looking at us until we disappeared.
In some way this memory comforts me
me but also thrill me too.
I went there to see my mother
I went to her funeral, but I couldn’t see my mother been buried
because they don’t let me
This is it, when we believe in resurrection believe
also that someday we will meet again.
I´m saying and I’m saying
to myself that I’m living two graves at the same time
wich is understand the death of my father
because a couldn´t understand what was it
I didn't understand what it was like to live in this mourning
and now this mourning that I feel because of the death of my son
The soul comes back to the one who created it. God is the one who created it
So we… when our lives are over
it is a matter
like any other that decomposes itself
So this is my struggle with death
while there is life, we are going to fight until the last moment before we die
But if death comes there is no other option
other than bury the person and stay with the feeling of missing this person.
That´s where I went wrong
I will cry one more time
when I look into your eyes
The longing will arrive and please, my honey
Let me at least see you just passing by
I won´t say anything, forgive me if I cry
I will cry one more time
time when I look into your eyes
he longing will arrive
and please, my honey
Let me at least see you just passing by
I won´t say anything
forgive me if I cry
I found out I was pregnant with Caiê
when I was 2 months pregnant already
during the exact same week that I completed 2 months of pregnancy
All fears were there, all the uncertainties
all the obstacles, but it was a very beautiful pregnancy
My due date was between the days 22 and 28 of December
so we said: Is this kid a “Christmas boy” or a “New Year’s Eve boy”?
On the night of the 21st to the 22nd
between a Thursday and a Friday I started going into labor
so I was awake already during the whole night, feeling the rhythmic pains
Between 3 am and 4 am I got up
and took a hot bath to relieve the pain
and go to the emergency room.
Between 10:30 am and 11am the last doctor came to listen the baby’s heart
and the beats started to decay
When the heart beats started to decay the doctor
asked me if my water broke
I said that no
When the water broke the doctor noticed that Caiê had pooped for the first time
there was meconium in the bag of water
There was no aspiration of the water bag
so it blended with the aminiotic fluid and the baby aspirated it
At this moment the doctor took me and went for an emergent Caesarean
So, in less than 20 minutes we got in the emergency room, performed the labor
the doctors took the baby out of my belly
I could not see my son when he was born
because they quickly put him in the incubator.
The other issue was that she took me to the hospital
so I thought she was going to take care of me
we were there, we were fine and suddenly she asked me:
“Are you ok?”
I answered: “I am fine...
I am just waiting for the exam result.”
My mom just vanished inside the hospital
When I looked for her
she was bathing in a lady she had never seen before
and then she said: "she needed me more than you! "
So, my mom had this thing of
sharing…sharing with other people
So I think… I say to my brothers: “My mom didn’t like me”
But it is not true. No one had the guts to tell me I was ugly
No one would dare
She was brave.
He was a little ball, the biggest one in the intensive care
He was born with 3,660kg
18,5 inches...
and I did not know what was happening
Gustavo knew already, the doctors told him
but he decided not to tell me
I went to the upper floor, I saw Caiê
and the doctor asked me if I would like to hold him
because it could be the last time that I would see him alive
So, she put him here
and at that moment I could not control myself
I cried and cried and I could not hold him
I could not…
I was just shaking and shaking and shaking.
And seeing all those wires, him intubated
I did not know how to behave and what to do
On Saturday he got significantly better
but on Sunday, December 24th, Christmas Eve, he passed away.
During the whole pregnancy I talked to him a lot
I used to say: Baby, there is someone talking to you
your uncle is talking to you
your aunt gave you a present. Did you like it?
We are going to eat this today, Baby
if you don’t like it tell me and mommy won’t eat it anymore
So, this whole spiritual connection
that I had with him inside my belly
I was able to keep during these two days that he stayed alive.
My mother was...
whatever happened to me she was there for me!
She did not show it in an affectionately way, but with her attitudes
Nowadays I'm reflecting ... I know how much my mother loved me
The proof was that the last blessing was mine, it was not from the others
So my mother, because of her faith in God
because of the faith she had in Jesus Christ, even when she spoke:
"Jesus Christ gave his life because of his love for the others
do you know what that is?
You give up your own life because of the love you have for other person? "
That is what Jesus did
so we should follow his example.
And she would always say: You must have faith in God
you must have faith in life, you must believe in yourself
believe in your dreams
and I kept asking myself: "Where did my mother learn all this?"
Because she had a difficult life, it was not an easy life
the rejection that she endured during her childhood
her failed marriages, that were destroyed
But I was realizing that my mother was strong!
It's very...
this process of Caiê's death with the religion
it was very intense because I was initiating my religious process
I did some religious procedures while I was pregnant
and many people from my religion
told me about my pregnancy even before I knew it
So, one person dreamed about it and this person was the daughter of Oxum
the other person that was son of Oxóssi saw a child inside my house
So the religion was always present from the very beginning.
She was very religious
When I had my children
I remembered where my mother used to take me.
The only place my mother used to take me was the Church
I was raised in the church, I made the holy communion...
when I made the first communion she was radiant when
I wore that dress
She had that wonderful dress done because she always took care of me
I thought my mother didn’t like me very much
but during all the moments in my life she was always with me
Sometimes the person does not say "I love you"
but this person can show affection.
My mother was a Christian
she had a lot of faith in God
and something that she always showed us was that faith
she said that if we have God we have everything.
So she always prepared us for death.
She said: "I am not yours and you are not mine
God gave you to me so I could raise you for the world!
I used to think: "My mother is crazy, how will she raise us for the world?
Then I realized that she was right
because today she is no longer here
and I am sensitive to the issue of belonging
I know I am really from the world, I am from people.
Mourning Caiê
to relive a mourning that I did not experienced with my fathers death
my religion has strengthened me a lot, it has given me a foundation.
Let’s not postpone the day to say “I love you”
Say it now, hug people now, kiss people now
When I would try to kiss my mother she would move her face away from it
then she got used to it
She hated this kissing thing
I used to create trouble
Sometimes I ask God to forgive me for the trouble I used to create
What remained was the faith
the love for the others
the strengh to fight for life.
What remained of her in me was her personality
My mother had a very strong personality.
From Caiê remains to me the biggest lesson of all
if it is possible to take a lesson out of it
but what became stronger was the love
Sometimes the spirit has the power to manifest itself
but she must be happy
to know I'm talking about her right now
you know?
I would say, "Mother, thank you for everything, you know I love you
I said this every day.
Thank you for giving us this character.
I don’t speak just for myself, but for my brothers too
Thank you for the love you taught me
If I have this heart today it is because it was planted by you
Thank you for having taught me to deal with the difficulties of life
for taught me to never complain or to feel like I'm the victim of the problem
but to feel like the solution
I would say to her, "You were the best person I ever met
So, what I am today is thanks to you"
I would tell her that.
in memory of